Episode 33 - The Bravest Fight: Firefighter Nick Hanna's Journey from Darkness to Light Part 1

Santa Cruz City Firefighter Nick Hanna, formerly with Ventura City Fire, talks about his mental health journey over the past year.  Nick's story starts with being "true fireman", engaged with his department and association. Following a significant illness, he began to experience  panic attacks, sleeplessness, PTSD, major depressive disorder, and active suicidal thoughts. After many dead ends trying to find treatment, an effective combination of therapies was identified and Nick is in a better place.  Nick's story is relevant for all firefighters  - and firefighter families - especially those who think mental health is not  their concern.

If you're in crisis, call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline at 988, day or night. 

Transcript

Peter

Welcome to the Firehouse Roundtable podcast, brought to you by the Ventura Fire Foundation. I'm one of your hosts. Peter McKenzie, retired fire captain with the city of Ventura Fire Department and my co-host Jason Kay, Active Battalion Chief with the City of Ventura. Fire department. We are going to bring awareness to real issues that face firefighters and their families. We want you to feel like you have a seat at the kitchen table, which every firefighter knows is the heart of the Firehouse. Let's get right into the episode.

Joe

This is Joe from Ventura Fire Foundation. Before jumping into this conversation with Nick Hannah, we wanted to warn you that it gets pretty heavy. Nick has had a difficult year with his mental health. But we appreciate him sharing his story on the podcast because we think he provides great insights and his knowledge will help others who may be going through similar issues. We originally recorded Nick in October for release in November. But his health? Worsened and we decided to hold off. He's doing better now, though thankfully so. We are releasing the episode now. This conversation is split across two episodes. This is part one at the end of Part 2, which will be released in a couple weeks. Nick updates his journey and what he's gone through since we originally recorded, so be sure to listen for that. And finally, if you're in crisis, there are resources to help. The national suicide and crisis hotline is 988. You can call or text at anytime. There are also resources on the mentor of Fire Foundation website. Just go to venturafirefoundation.org and click the if you need help page. Thank you. I'm listening to Nick's important story.

Peter

All right, welcome to another episode of the Firehouse Roundtable. Today we have, I feel like we have a prodigal son who's returning. Nick. Nick. Hannah who? Nick was a Ventura City firefighter for a while, and then he left, went up to Santa Cruz Fire Department and. He's back. Talk about his story. So, Nick, welcome to the show.

Nick

Well, thanks for having me. Happy to be here.

Peter

Yeah, we're excited to have you too. Let's reintroduce yourself. I think that's like a rap lyric or something, but introduce your reintroduce yourself to people who don't know who you are, and then we'll get into your story a little bit later. But just how how did you get to Ventura? What happened? You know how. Did you leave all that stuff?

Nick

So I was trying to get into the fire service. You know, this is around 2011 and I was a private paramedic king in Santa Cruz. And basically I knew Ventura from doing their contest and the area there and always liked it and heard that they were high. Spring. So I came down on the test and I didn't think I had a shot at all to get hired. You know, I took the written test, passed the test, and then interviewed. And then next thing I know, I'm in my whole life is changing. Upgraded my my life here in Santa Cruz and went down to Ventura with open arms. And it was. I wouldn't change it for the world I met some really amazing people and learned a lot about myself during the process. I was living there, working there, obviously working at Station 5 and. Having a blast work with all you guys and and I loved it. But family comes first and we're having our second kid and my wife was really missing her, her family, who they're very, very close with, which I didn't have that on my side, so I didn't want to take that from her. And we made a decision to move back up to Santa Cruz if I got hired with Santa Cruz City. Fire because I worked at them as a lifeguard when I was younger and it was one of the biggest decisions I had to make. I didn't. I didn't want to leave, but I felt like it was in order for my family life to succeed and my wife to be truly happy, that was. The move I had to make, and now I'm here.

Peter

Yeah. Was it your wife was from. Santa Cruz, correct. Yeah. Were you married when you got hired? I don't remember.

Nick

No, I got married after probation.

Peter

OK. But you were with her, obviously, OK.

Nick

I was with her. Yeah, yeah, Yep.

Peter

Awesome. And what year? What were the years on that just so people have? An idea?

Nick

It was 2011 till 2016.

Peter

OK, so a little over five years.

Nick

And then. Yeah. Then I left. I got hired here in July of 16, I think.

Jason

Well, make no mistake about it, man. Ventura City misses you. We talk about you all the time. Some of it's even good, but out out of Station 5, we have good memories of you and most of them involve your vertical challenges. I I will say that a lot of the stuff you already saying rings true with me that you made your families. First, a lot of guys will move for their family and you know that kind of encapsulates encapsulates what's important to. You as a human. So that's awesome. Will you compare and contrast a little bit? Santa Cruz, Fire Department of Interior fire department. Just as a whole, is there huge differences in call volume or culture or anything like that? I would say they're very. They're like, they're very, very similar. And as far as their demographics, their call volume, lack of staffing.

Nick

Support far as you know, I won't go into the whole political side of it, right? But yes, we're four stations and we run, we're four stations with the one dual House, 6, station 5 with the engine and the truck. And we run around 11,000 calls here which. Is right around Ventura where we got six stations and you're running 1617 thousand calls. So it's really comparable big homeless population, Beach Town, some of the same hazards. Our geographical area that we cover is pretty wide and very diverse. As far as we've got Redwood trees, Redwood forests, then we have gnarly up close 200 foot. That's going into ocean, you. Know so. That's when we got to meet downtown strip and you know anyway.

Jason

Is it ALS and do you guys have ambulances?

Nick

Yep, same thing as Ventura. We only hire paramedics. AMR is the only transport we do not transport at all. Yeah, ocean rescue. We do not have a use our team like Ventura does, but we have Hazmat. It's so similar. I mean, it's really similar. It's just I called it the Northern California version of Ventura.

Jason

It sounds.

Nick

And you know, as far as culture wise, the one thing that culture I was talking to people about this, you know, and I've talked to a lot of you guys about this is the Santa Cruz cities culture is very good. It's very young. We just had a lot of retirements, really good guys. But what we're lacking, in my opinion, is some of that fire, some of that fire culture, of really being that bonding where Ventura City had that, in my opinion, like when I got hired being guy from out of the area, I felt really open arms and I felt like people really, really, you know. Basically, if they could tell like you could tell nukes, you know, there's tons of guys there that you know, man, man, all the guys that were kind of these, you know, the captains and people that I looked up to were all were they could tell if you were all in. Like Darrell was the same way you could tell if you were all in. Then they gave you they, they, they. They. But if you weren't all in, it was very apparent that if you weren't all in, they were not gonna. You know, that door is gonna close, and that's how it should be. But I think that's what makes things so tight. And I wish Santa Cruz had a little bit more of that. And I think it could. It could get that more. But I miss Ventura for a lot of those reasons. You know, is the tight knit kind of all. Shifts hang out. It's not like every shift is a different department. It's kind of like everyone, kinda. From what I what I experienced, you know on board, got along and cared and everyone knew each other's families and especially come to the Firehouse like, I mean, you know, Speaking of all those people like obviously like clapping. And I got along. Together really well because we worked together for a while. I mean, he was sending me pictures of, you know, small people falling out of engines like every day, like for two years after I left. He was sending it.

Peter

For our listeners benefit, Nick, how tall are you? OK, OK, tell you. Tell her what I remember. No. Let me say, let me give one one story to how how this kind of came about and it speaks to exactly what you're saying. Like my daughter is applying to colleges right now and you see Santa Cruz is like her like that's where she wants to go. The whole Redwood vibe, all that stuff. And I go all. Right. All right. I know Nick's up there. I need to get like the low down on the school, the area. So I reached out and immediately we reconnected like we like. I just saw you last week. You I it actually if if she gets goes to school there it it brings a lot of comfort to me knowing that I have a connection IE. To in town that if something goes wrong, I know I can call on you and you will haul us up there and go do whatever needs to be done like that, which is testament to the the culture that you're talking about, that our department has and whatnot, which I think is super cool and it it's, I, I 100% agree with everything you're saying. And then obviously when we reconnected. Just caught up. You know, you kind of went into your story and kind of what's going on now and. Then we were like, well, do we need to get this on the podcast? Cause people need to hear this because I think there's a lot of people that are struggling. As well, so yeah. Should we jump into the story? Jason, you got any more funny stories or or light hearted stuff before we dive in or?

Jason

No, no, enough of the lighthearted stuff. I I'm actually super excited here. I I have not heard Nick's whole story since he left. It's it's super good to see you. I'm. I'm glad you decided to join us on the podcast. And yeah. Yeah. Go ahead and get into it. I'd love to.

Peter

Hear what's going on. Yeah, and I'll just say one before you get started. For our listeners, this is a heavy story. And this is a, and I applaud Nick for being so open. And willing to share because I mean in our department alone, we could rattle off a few names of guys who are struggling and I'm sure it's. The same Santa Cruz. It's the same everywhere, which is one of the things we figured out in this podcast is it doesn't matter where you work, the problems are the same, and I think having your first hand account of kind of what happened is super valuable. So I just want to say thank you. For being willing to do this. But yeah, let's turn it over to you. I mean, you're the best narrator of your own story, so we can ask questions and interject, but I I want to give you the the autonomy to to kind of take it where you want. So yeah, why don't you go for it?

Nick

Yeah. No, no, I appreciate it. And the, you know, one of the things I've learned. Kind of through this whole thing, and I'll say this well, you you hear this a lot, but is is being vulnerable and having vulnerability. And the only way that you get through stuff or get through hard times is subjecting yourself to being vulnerable. And we're not used to doing that as a culture. We're just not so. I've learned a lot in this process, kind of about myself and about being vulnerable and being open to vulnerability. I'm going to kind of start off basically. So I've been a firefighter now for almost 1314 years. Right? When I left in Tera, I went through a whole nother firefighter Academy, which is a whole nother. The whole recruit Academy again right? Eighteen week it wasn't as long as Venturas. So I went through all of that and then I became really heavily involved. I felt like. I was comfortable in the sense of me being a firefighter paramedic. I became the shop steward for our union. Then I became the vice president and then I became the President of local 1760. So the last four years I've been in the upper echelons of the board, and I also took over the. MBA program I was the lead mentor for our department and I was also the historian, fire department and a lead Academy instructor for like 7 different subjects from SCBA's to vent, you know, so on and so on. So I was like very, very involved and then running working at our busiest station, working on our truck and our engine, just like Station 5 is and we we used to not rotate. Now we rotate just it's funny. Just like when I was rotating when we left, when I'm like, I've done this before. So I was under a lot of stress, but I didn't really, to me, it didn't feel like. Stress to me it just felt like this is the way I've been my whole life. Right? Like I'm juggling a family. I'm juggling work. I'm putting in more and getting more back because that's what we do is farming, right is we people that are true firemen and I and I emphasize. This is the people that are out there. There is that 1015% of your department that are true firemen and the rest of them aren't. And I hate to say that, but that is the truth. And meaning that some people give give it all and give too much, and there's that fine line in between giving too much and sacrificing too much versus not sacrificing anything. When someone ever finds that medium, let me know. But.

Peter

That's funny. I'll. I'll stop you real quick because that's funny. We talk about that very thing on this podcast over and over and over again. And. And Jason and I are on two different sides of this. Right. So Jason was the guy that gave too much, did everything probably sounds like very similar path you were going down. And I was the opposite.

Nick

I'm from.

Peter

Which, you know, I don't know how I don't. I don't know. About self reflection here, but like I picked the foundation one or two things and and did that and that's a big and I don't and I don't say I have it figured out cause I think I probably could do more, but that's a big that's interesting and I like how you call it, true firemen. You're talking about the 1015% of people who do stuff, right. Is that essentially what you're talking about?

Nick

Yeah. And I'm and I'm not meaning like, I'm not meaning like it's amount of how many things you're doing. It's what you're putting into those other things you're doing. Outside your job description. Gotcha. You know what I mean? So like if you choose the pipes and drums band or you choose like you know it's something giving back and something giving more because you have a calling in the sense like you're doing the foundation work, no one's telling you really. Do you not have to do anything? Could you go to work, show up and do that? Sure. Yeah you could.

Peter

Gotcha. Yeah, yeah.

Nick

Right, But that's not how the fire service survives, and that's how it does. That's not how it gets better so.

Jason

Yeah, I appreciate you bringing that up to you, Nick. And and if anybody, just like Nick said, I'll echo the same thing. If anybody has found that percentage, that's correct call in man because we have not, we're still struggling figuring out what's too much and what's not enough. And I think it's very individual. For each person and you only know you're doing too much after you've committed to too much. So go ahead and continue on with with your story.

Nick

Yeah. No. So basically, you know, I was, I was burning it on both ends, both as a father, a husband, my wife works full time as a Hospice and. I have two kids, Nate and Molly, that are 9 and seven now, but they were younger, you know, obviously a few years ago, so more responsibilities coming with that. I wasn't sleeping and I was constantly at work on my 4 day. If I wasn't doing trainings with Ocean Rescue, I was going to union meetings or seminars or right like. It just kept building and building well. Then you throw in. We had a without getting too much into it, you know? Between. And we had some contract negotiations and then an investigation on the Fire Chief, which I was all either of the Vice President or the Union President during that time was extremely stressful and some of these people I knew personally. So just like Ventura, which makes. It hard is. You're just. Big enough to have some big, big problems, but you're also small enough where you know everybody and everything is. And then you're trying to balance that work and personal relationship that you have, which is really delicate. And we had a new Fire Chief who got promoted and he's a great guy, looked up to him. Still look up to him. Very smart. And there was a sticky situation that put me in a bad spot. And luckily that's, you know, it's resolved itself and I won't go into that as Homer story. What I'm getting at is the amount of stress that I was having from that single event is what I think. Potentially push me over my my amount is what my wife said is to. You said she noticed a lot of things in me that I didn't notice. I wasn't surfing, I wasn't working out as much. I was saying going to work saying how I didn't want to go to work, which I never was like that. Right. Like I really don't want to go to work or I'm not having fun at work and that's not. Been me, ever. She's never heard me say that about my job. We ended up having all this going on. I'm juggling all these things. I'm trying to take. I was taking Captain level classes right to get my officers hurt to eventually try to promote. So I was doing that at the same time and we finally said, you know what, we're going to go. Take the kids to Disneyland. I was like, OK, fine. Well, let's take the kids to Disneyland. So we go down to Disneyland, we have a good time. Nate ends up getting really sick. Like like 103 fever, sick, like, really bad. So we, my wife and I basically say hey. We're going to pack the kids up because we're all going to end up getting it, so we might as well have enough energy to drive home right now, you know, cause we didn't fly. And so we did that. Long story short, I got sick and I got real. Everybody got cleared up for it. I had about 104 to 105. Temperature for almost. Four days and I didn't know it was happening to me. I just felt really bad. So this is right. Going up to Christmas time. As this is happening, I go to the doctor to get clear because why I'm not going to be that dirtbag that calls in sick on Christmas Eve, right? Or Christmas. So I'm going to go to work no matter what, and my whole body was telling me not to, but I didn't want to be that. You know, that guy again, reputation, ego, that kind of thing of like I'm not. That guy, I'm not one of those dudes. I'm not going to do that and I went to the doctor. They said you have influenza A. Your fever is foresighting. If you're good in 24 hours. You can go to work. Which I wish you would have said something otherwise. But I said OK, fine. I go back home. It's Christmas Eve. I'm literally on the couch. Staring at the wall. And I'm just like, feel this, like, overwhelming. Wave of feeling I I don't know how to describe it. Really felt this crappy. I fell asleep at 6:00 in the morning. Or 6:00 at night. Slept all night, got up, went to work and of course, did we get worked at work? Yes, I got maybe, maybe an hour and a half. Two hours of sleep. I just fell off and I felt dizzy. I just was like, man, what is going on with me? I keep pushing through and then I go to work. You know, I'm at work. I'm on the truck and there's 12:00 at night. We ran a call at, like, 1:00 in the morning. Got back, and I felt some really this overwhelming. Just like dizziness, I felt too long. Like I was like. What is going on? With me all sudden started having palpitations in my chest. And we got another call. Another cones go off. I go again, I get in the car. I my chest is pounding the whole time. By the 4th call after midnight, I completely shut down. It was a guy who was like. His car ran out of gas. Or something. It wasn't even a it. Wasn't even a. Call and I told my captain. I started crying in the back of the killer box and I broke down and I was like, I don't know what's going on. With me, I can't. I can't get out of the rig. And he kept me in the car, and they figured out the call. And all I remember is just feeling this overwhelmed of emotions that I couldn't control. I like just sobbing, crying, anxiety attack, just like what is going on with me. You know, my captain's like, are you OK to drive back to the rig to drive back to the house? And I said, yeah, I can. I get back to the station. I park. We parked the rig. I get out, I go in my room and it's just getting worse. Like, worse, worse, worse. This basically ensues where I'll go home and I ended up having panic attacks for almost four days straight. And I didn't know why I was sleeping maybe an hour and a half. If that I called the guy from work after to take me to the ER. So I went to the ER. They said you're burned out. We've seen this before, you know. Here's some Ativan. And knock yourself out. You'll be finding a week. And I wish that was that would have been the case. So essentially nothing started getting better. My sleep deprivation and my anxiety. Was so bad that I would wake up. I was waking up at 2:00 AM on the dot like no later, no. Looks like my internal clock had been turned on and I was it was permanently set for 2:00 AM. And I would wake up and I felt like I could run through the wall. I couldn't sit still. I was pacing the house. I was running laps around my block at three in the, you know, 2/30, 3:00 in the morning. Just trying to slow myself down. The only thing that would take it away would be to take an out of band and it would knock me out. And it would completely, obviously, we know what Ativan does to our system. Like. It's it just wipes out your central nervous system. It's like it it just it doesn't reset you it. Just it just completely numbs it. You know, I end up going to the doctor's. I can't even tell you my primary. My primary physician. I went to you know, same thing. You're burned out. You need this. You just need sleep. This. I got every the diagnosis from bipolar disorder to depression. To anxiety. And everything in between. This is really common with PTSD is when it first starts. You go to the doctor and they're just telling you what they're what they're treating as, what your symptoms that you're telling them. Right. And so they're going. Oh, no, you have this. No. What do they? Do what they kept giving me. Pill, pill, pill, pill. I. Ripped through like 12 or 13 medications in a. Matter of. Two months and nothing was working. As time went on, I became more isolated, more depressed. I couldn't even take my kids to school. I was shaking in my bed and my wife at one point wanted to call my one cause she thought I was having a seizure. But. I was just. Having an anxiety attack just in bed and like my legs would just not stop shaking and I'm just sitting there going. Why is this happening? I ended up going to Stanford because I wanted to get out of our local hospital area to talk to some experts up there, which I did. They did a CT scan. I got an MRI every kind of scan, every kind of blood work. You can think of. I got, you know, I went to Stanford and was like, what the, you know, what the Hell's wrong with me? They did all the blood work, everything they came back. And I'll never forget this. And it was one of the most traumatizing things ever is they came back and they came back with the psych unit. They didn't come back and tell me that everything was OK. They came back with me with a a psychiatric team and it was devastating to me. I started crying. I started having anxiety attack again because I was like, this can't be happening to me. My wife is bawling, crying, looking at me. She doesn't know what to do. I've been up for three months, basically every medication. That was on 10 milligrams of Valium and it wouldn't. It wouldn't put me down. I was overriding every medication that they could. Give me for for. Sleep and it's the weirdest feeling because. You're like, I'm not crazy. And I'm, you know, they're like very you're very articulate and very like with it and. I'm like, yes. And I'm telling you something's wrong, right? Like there is something wrong with me. Like what? I'm. That's why I'm here. Like what? The F is wrong with me. And that's when you know, I sat down with one of the other psychiatrists and they started going over stuff. And like, you have PTSD. Like this is this is what this is. And I said, well, OK and. That's great. Well, how do I get rid of it? You know? And she's like you don't. It was the part of the acceptance of this whole thing has been the hardest thing about it is accepting. Accepting that I am not going to be the same nick that I was two years ago and nobody is right, nobody is the same person they were two, three years ago, but I am not going to be. I have to maintain myself and treat myself and watch myself for the remainder of my career in my, in my, in my. Life because this job and my and I'll get into it more. But and my, my, my childhood life predisposed me for, for, for getting this. And there's a lot of guys in my position. In our position that are probably going to be dealing with either dealing with some sort of it at some level right now, or they're going to have it like me, where I have a break. I mean, that's what happened. At least the way that the way that I talk it up for is that I had a mental break and I my my card deck got full and it spilled over. And I think part of that a lot of that what they think happened would be so getting back to my story, I hired an Internet integrative Dr. outside my workers comp because we know how great workers. Comp is. He basically said that the flu was the tipping point for me. The increase of stress, the lack of sleep, so sleep deprivation before I got sick, then getting sick. They think that I have brain inflammation from the. Fever, which then triggered my PTSD. So dealing with multiple things. Also with PTSD, 50% of the people that get it also develop major depression during their during their their initial diagnosis, which is what happened to me. So I was dealing with complications from a viral infection. To PTSD to now major depression. So I was dealing with like 3 different things that literally call it. They call calling it a perfect storm. And they said that most people get this have have this happen to them when they retire. But lucky for me I they said that a lot of this happens to do with. Your family. Uh. You're you're meaning. You're the way you grew up. So I never was real big about this. Some of the guys in the department know from Ventura knew, knew my story. Not all of it, but I did not have the the best childhood. My mom wasn't. It was a heavy alcoholic, was drinking by the time out that I could remember. When I was about nine years old and I found her to come home from school from the bus and find her drunk, pass out on the couch or the bed or puking up blood, and I would call 911 or, you know, they told me. I don't know how many times that she was not going to make it, and then she would rally. I dealt with that for, like, 13 years. She was on Hospice for about 6-6 of those. Time she died in 2009. But what I didn't realize is I was carrying the I was protecting my sisters at that time. My father didn't make some good decisions during that period of time either, and wasn't in the picture as much. So I was kind of left on my own dealing that I didn't go see a counselor. I didn't see any therapist. You know, I got told. Hey, that's life. You know, it is. This is where it goes to. Really. Then I had a family right and and then I had this job. And so the way that they described this, and I'll talk more about who they is. But is that was preloaded and when they mean preloaded, they mean that when you're a kid and you're exposed to a high levels amount of stress and your tolerance level. Is even shrunken men. Right. So then the people that get into this profession, like we do, that are helpers. Well, what did I do with my mom? Tried to help my mom, right. I was always trying to help my sisters. So naturally, I put chose a professional trying to help people that are in a bad spot because I already knew how to do it. You know, I never even thought about it this way until I had this lovely Rick. So what I'm getting at is. I've met a lot of people in the fire service that came from rough backgrounds, so they're pre they're pre loaded like I was. They're preloaded to be to get PTSD or to have an event somewhat like I. And it is preventable. All those poo poo, things that everyone you know up here they call it, they call it that people would make fun of it. They call it a brains brain. We had another guy in our department that got it and I kind of snapped on a couple of people at work because they didn't, you know, couple of guys didn't like this individual. And I said well. I don't care if you don't like that. It's a freaking human being. He's one of us. So he's hurting and you've obviously not hurt before, because if you did, you wouldn't open your mouth on any, right? No one deserves to go through that pain. And until you've gone through that pain, you have no idea what it's like, right. But everyone gets on the bandwagon, right? It's the it's the 9th grade fire service where everybody sits there and goes and goes like this. Models to one group and then makes fun of the other group and. It is or it is what it is, right? But when I'm here to do and to tell my story is is that like this stuff happened to me and it's real and people that make fun of it and go, oh, this guy is trying to get a pension and ohh retire out late or whatever it is, right. They don't want to work or you know, they're asking for a whole lot of karma that. They don't want to deal with. Because it is real.

Joe

Thanks for listening. This is Joe from Ventura Fire Foundation. We have an exciting lineup of free webinars for firefighter families in 2024. In February, James Boomhauer, a critical care transport specialist, paramedic and lead peer support. Director, we'll talk about PTSD. How to recognize it and build your resilience. The webinars are open to fire families throughout the US and will be held on zoom. There are limited seats available though, so register soon. You can register on our website. Or through the link in the show notes, all of the webinars will be recorded and made available on our website and YouTube channel support from Vanguard Charitable made this series possible. We thank them now back to the show.

Peter

You. So you ended at. You were at Stanford and they brought in that they they. That's where you kind of.

Nick

Left off the timeline. Wise. Yeah, yeah. The one that Stanford they basically and it's crazy to even think about now but. So they said this is what we can do for you. We can hold you in the psych ward overnight. And wait for a bed for our psych unit. For you to to be admitted to my wife did not know what to do. Everything was not working. I was so. Exhausted from anxiety attack after anxiety attack, not sleeping after not sleeping my wife, she didn't know what to do with me. And I didn't know what. To do with myself, I ended up spending the night in the ER in the holding cell for the site unit and it was the scariest thing that I've ever done in my life. I hadn't slept like I said for almost 3 1/2 months, but the only they gave me two hydroxyzine ones and a Clonidine. And I slept for four hours in there, and I was a long as I had slept in almost 3 1/2 months. I woke up to. A schizophrenic screening, the next door neighbor of mine was pounding on the door and just taking there's a chalkboard in there and there's just going like this with their nails over and over and over and over again. And I was just, like, getting you out of here, you know, and my wife. Lori left for maybe five hours and came back was just a mess. Gave me clothes, gave me all this stuff, they finally said they had a bed and went up to the psych unit and I was, you know, I had this being a paramedic for as long as we have and and running the calls, right. That's why no one goes into gets help because. Like me, I was. And I'm like I ran. I ran calls on these people like. What am I doing here like? I everything. My bone was like this is not where I belong. I'm not good right now. But I'm not where I belong. Like I don't belong home. I need help. This isn't going. To get me. The help which I can tell you where where where it kind of went but so I went to the psych unit there. I look at every how people are drooling. They're just. I'm like, dude, this is not gonna. Work. So I signed out AMA. Because I was voluntary, they didn't. I never got put on a hold, went upstairs, took one lap around and I'm like I'm out of here and they're like, well, we can put you on. Like, what you gonna do for me? And they go, we'll put you on a mood stabilizer and some and and press and hold you for 10 days. OK. So where's the therapy? Where's all this? Like, I looked at their chalkboard, and it was like 2 hours of therapy a day, maybe. And otherwise it's just walking zombies. And I'm like. My wife looks me and she's. Crying. She's like, let's get out of here. And I'm like, yeah, let's get out of here. So I turned my clothes on. He went back home and nothing changed. I went home and same stuff as. Happening got worse. I was still not sleeping more, but I came. I became more depressed, was not leaving the House. I didn't I the best way that I could describe it was was that I felt like I was. I felt like. I was half drunk, felt like it could not responsibly take care of my kids. I couldn't take him to. School I was in bed and just angry. Super angry. My wife was doing everything cooking, cleaning, you know, taking them to soccer practice. My phone was going off and I just I just was, was not talking to anybody. One of my buddies, older guys, the Battalion Chief here. Came showed up at my house and basically was like, what's going on? Like you're not answering your phone. So I talked to him for a while. At this point, I hadn't been on any medication or any, like antidepressants or anything like that because I ended up going down to San Diego in January last January. And during that time and tried a different treatment modality. Didn't work, but anyways what I'm getting at was. I had gotten to the point where. I was going to therapy twice a week. I was trying different medications. They weren't working. I was told I was medication resistant, that my genetics like I've got. I got DNA testing done for medications. There's a sheet that you can get, which I don't know if you guys know this exists, which insurance companies don't promote because then you're not trying all their lead. That's my opinion. There's a DNA testing genetic testing that you can get. That is a DNA swab that you get and it'll give you 65 or 75% the medications that you get are going to which which are going to work for you. So it'll give you a list of top ten medications that are more than likely going to take for your genetic makeup. It's $400.00, but it's worth every penny.

Peter

Oh, that's interesting. But you know that existed.

Nick

Because if you think about it, have you ever been on antidepressants and you go up and down? Those things, it's hell. So if that can limit one or two of those medications from doing that to find the right one, it's worth it. And when it's weight in gold because then that you're talking weeks, six weeks, 746. So that was a learning process. So when you get back here, I end up going home, as you know, it was really raining, like raining a ton last year up here. I'm at home. I'm extremely depressed. Basically, I started getting suicidal because nothing was nothing was working. I'd wake up every morning. And I couldn't even have a sip of coffee because my hand would. Just be like this I. Couldn't even eat breakfast because I had to hold my. Other hand to keep my hand from shaking, to be able to eat, to like, eat to my. My mouth because my my anxiety was so bad I was not drinking. I wasn't. I was doing everything I was supposed to do. I was trying to go to yoga, but I couldn't even hold a pose in yoga because my body would shake so much. Like taking a walk felt like like it was going to be like going like on a marathon. You know what I mean? So essentially. I Long story short, there's a lot of stuff that went on in between here, but the reality is that I became more more suicidal. I got to a point where I felt like I was going to hurt myself because I was so fed up with feeling that way. I felt like my kids and I want people to really understand. This is when people say that they're suicidal, they're not crazy. Ended PTSD. Why do you think fireman? Now I understand why fireman suicide rates are so high. I get it. And I hate to say that, but like. They want to be remembered the the person that they were, not the person that they had now become, or what they were suffering. Right. So at least that's my take on it. I was sitting there going if I'm going to be this guy sitting inside my room shaking your things diety. I can't interact with my kids. I can't be with my wife. I can't provide for my family. Well, what good am I?

Joe

Right.

Nick

And I and and. It was terrible and I was just. Like dude, this has got to be the worst. Like, this has to stop. I would. I remember literally praying and crying all the time and just make it stop, make it stop. Right. And I was like, I would rather be remembered as the nick. That is solid. Nick can be remembered as this guy. If I'm going to live like this for the rest of my life, then I don't want to live. And it's not about it not getting. It's not about caring about your family, but it's actually the opposite. It's that you care so much about the other people. That you feel like you're a burden to them. You feel like you're holding them down. You feel like you're delaying. Their life. You feel like like I was watching my son and my daughter. They're right at the same age. This ties back to my childhood of me. What was I doing at home? Sleeping all day? What was my son doing? Coming in my room trying to wake me up. What do you think I was having flashbacks? Me doing the same for. My mom, right? And I'm just sitting there going like I'm not gonna be that person. Like, I'm not gonna have my kids suffer like I did for 13 years. I I would rather pull the plug. And I know that sounds really weird and harsh, but like, that's how bad I was hurting. And I all I could think about with my kids and my wife. I just started crying and I pulled off on the side of the road and I turned back around and went home. I called my buddy Mike and told him and said, hey, I was really close today and I I don't know. What to do at this point? I have been heard, heard about a place called Deer Hollow. Which is in Utah. It's a PTSD specialist place that's run by top of the line therapists that are ever from around basically around the globe. So remember how I was talking about like the ER is not for me. The site board is not for me like. But I know I need help but these are the. Places are going to help me. The place that's going to help you is place like your hollow. That's where we go. And the reason why is because they they understand and they get it. There's you're screened heavily for this and sound like everyone gets in, but they do Med management. It's I did 45 days. Well actually I did more than that. So I'm going to head myself. So I got back. Home I talked to. A couple different counselors, one of the one of those chick, Tino, was the one that. Was telling me that I really needed to go. She's from personal Wellness and. She said hey. Like you need to go Nick and I. At this point, I was. I was like. Literally like just a zombie in my house and Mike came over. He took my car keys from me. He took my wallet from me. And he parked outside my house until I got on the plane until I left to.

Peter

Is Micah is Micah? Was he a firefighter from the department?

Nick

Yeah, he's yeah. He's a Battalion Chief for central Fire, which is, which is our neighboring agency. Kind of like it'd be like county.

Peter

What? What gotcha. What? UM. Were you not letting did the fire? What did the fire department do as this months of you dealing with this? Or were you kind of like, were they not Privy to what was happening or why didn't this happen sooner is my question.

Nick

Like why did? Because I hit it.

Peter

OK. Gotcha.

Nick

Yeah, I hit it. I I opened up to a few people. One of our our there was only. There was a lot of guys from the department that were reaching out to me. But I only trusted really a couple. And what? What I mean trust though I don't trust them. When you're not big of the state. So Mike, the guy that I confided in, he was my junior garden instructor when I was nine years old. Like this guys known me since I was. Like he knew my mom like he knew him. And I served together like crazy. He has PTSD. And he he saved my life.

Peter

Gotcha. Gotcha. OK. I didn't. I didn't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to clarify.

Nick

You know I. Mean. So what I'm getting at is the the fire service as a whole like. Yeah, peer support, right. And you have these peer teams and all these kind of things like. They were reaching out to me and they found out through Mike and then two, two other people that I was kind of. Confiding in I was waking up every morning crying like I could not control my emotions. I was I. Would just get up in the morning. And Michael, call me goes. Let's go for a walk. Let's go. For a walk so. I went to after this. Stamp kind of there, you know, I had. I was getting so mind you and I forgot to add about this because this is kind of important. So I had all those stresses from the Union from all these other things. The other stresses that I had right, Clappy passed away. My buddy Brian, who was my captain, died of brain cancer six months after crappy. And then I had. I had two calls. What what I learned through this is I we had a hanging, but it wasn't normal. We had a guy hang himself in front of me while we were running with a ladder, trying to trying to get him. And I had never had anybody hang themselves in front of me actively. So I was getting images of people hanging, not loose, not hallucinating, but like. When I was going through this, I would like open up a closet or I'd be trying to take a nap and out to get an image of of just a silhouette of somebody hanging. And I I didn't know why. We had four drownings up the coast, so we had four codexes in two weeks and I pulled two bodies out at night in the recovery and just the view of those bodies where I never thought about calls before like we all have those calls where we're like, oh, never forget that one, right. Haha like, but not like they haunt you or like they like. Subconsciously, like or doing something to. You. So that's what started happening. To me so. Backtracking a little bit, why was I getting suicidal? Well, I felt like crap. I was getting images of that all day long and I couldn't sleep and anxiety ridden. Essentially, that's what people do to torture people like in war, right? Sleep deprivation, right? So all these things kind of stacked up, I wanted up going to deer hollow. It wasn't what I want to say or what people. I guess what people. What I wanted was I wanted the magic pill right? I wanted the one thing that was going to make me better. That was going to snap me out of it. And the reality is, is it's time and it's trying everything under the sun. In my from my experience, because there isn't. But if you give up. Then then what? Right. And thank God I didn't give up. And the reason why I didn't give up was because my, my, my kids and my wife saved my life. Because if I didn't have them to live for, I would have done it. I know I would have. Like it was, it was that strong. I was that. Like out of. It I don't even know how to this in crisis, you know. And me knowing the system, right, us knowing the system, I know exactly what to say. I'm going to have them put me on hold, right. If I answered those questions truthfully, I knew exactly where I was going. Like I'm not going to do that, so I need to confide in somebody that so I did.

Joe

This is Joe again from Ventura Fire Foundation. That's it for part one of Nick's story. Look for Part 2, including an update from Nick. In two weeks.